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January 30 Taking Up The MedicineMoving into the Medcine world...there comes a time I suppose when the soul of searching comes to the place of true purpose...It is different for every individual..Our Creator is vast and created us to move into our journey..When we are ready to get down to serious work and are willing to shed the illusions of this life of today, which are many and those illusions keep us intombed like a mummy all wrapped up...When we are ready to spring from the catterpiller that inches along on the surface of the earth and bring ourselves into the cocoon of change with heart and all seriousness, when we are finally ready to leave all the bullshit where it belongs and rise above it as a newly awakened butterfly, that is when the doors open before us.. When you are ready to learn the truth, and to rise from the inch of a mummified exsistance and soar with the eagles, then step upon the path and take that first trembling step...
My journey takes me to the realms of which the eagle soars...it takes me back to the true meaning of life and to all that matters...So willing am I to shed the illusions and move to the beat of a timeless drum that beats in my heart...I die to the illusions they mean nothing to me...I take up the medicine that I have lived lifetimes to bring to this age...I laid the old man to rest in myself...the one that flew from illusion to illusion...the one who chased everything meaningless..I laid that one to rest..and rose with great power and knew at last who I was and why I have come...I traveled lifetimes gathering this medicine...Oh the old man in me knew nothing of such things...but the soul of me heard the drum of the ancient way I had walked..When I was among the slaughtered ones and my life's blood spilled upon the barren lands...I saw my people ruined and marked for slaughter..I saw men and women and babies slaughtered and laying in the dust of many lands...
I am not here to convince anyone of this truth..it is enough that I know my own orgin and the purpose of coming back...I take up the medicine and in doing so I take my place once again among the medicine people...this time I bring medicine of lifetimes..a voice that springs forth of something I still do not ompletely understand...
I know the direction I travel ...ever forward...working my way back to that place where I once lay dying in the dust...I have held the truth like a seed ...deep within..It is time now to go back to the medicine and take it up and bring it out now...I choose this life to come in the most difficult way..in the skin of the enemy of the People...Why did I choose this way..I suppose for wisdom's purpose...The element of truth has no color... I finished the book "Greengrass Pipe Dancers" by Lionel Little Eagle...Now if you want to be serious about change and finding your true path and finding the medicine without the illusions then I highly recommend you begin to read about the true power...I highly recommend this book, and the books on "Fool's Crow"...when you are ready to see yourself and to shed the false powers of the illusions and move into true power..when your ready to use the power of personal sacrifice..then I recommend these books that recount the true power of the ancient path and the true power that is available within everyone of us..
In the past few days something shifted within me...something powerful came to me...I felt myself move in a way I had not before...I felt the power and knew what and where I need to do and be...As the last bits of the illusions came to their sweet end I celebrated..such joy filled my heart..the ancient drum beat and I danced in the wind of the change..So pwerful it was that I gasped at it's astounding beauty and simplicity..my feet unteathered my soul dancing on the ancient mesas and desiring to take it's place from which it had lived before...Could I do this? Could I seriously do this...?....Yes, yes, yes my soul resounded...this is where you came from this is where you must return...The ancients chanting in the spirit world ..she has awakened she has at last come out of the illusions...she has come, taking her place among us from which she belongs...I wept when I read Greengrass Pipe Dancers...I wept for many reasons it was like so firmilur to me...home my soul cried home...My husband wept when he read it last year..the only book that has ever made him weep...why?...the ancient call to the soul...home...For over a year he tried to get me to read these books...I knew the time was not yet...I would take them up and lay them down again..It wasn't time for me to do so yet...But this was the time and I took them up and could not put them down...I know these people I whispered as I read on...I know this path..I know this medicine...Faith whirled within like never before..the song of the soul rang in a tune of such cyrstal clarity, that there was no mistaking it...I was being called home...Home to the medicine..
My whole life has led up to this moment...no doubt in my mind, heart or soul, I take up the medicine..oh I know it's power now and I have always known it's source...I know the answers to the thousands of whys...me heart my soul at peace...the ancients smoking the medicine pipe in the higher places...she has awakened...she comes...Red heart now knows, she is coming home...I come and I will meet them in those troubled lands where the blood has poured like water upon the dusty and barren places...I come, I am nothing...it is the medicine I carry and from the source and power it comes from..I am now a hallow bone...I come and I hear the voices of Fools Crow and the others waiting in the far distance where they await...Do I doubt..no not at all...the visions I have seen I wept yesterday when I realized that I am walking to the fulfillment of these visions and to where my heart longs to be...
So as we were having coffee at Starbucks yesterday, hubby and I, we discused this very thing...I said, I am ready...He said he had been ready when it had happened to him over a year ago...I said yes but can you seriously choose the medicine way over all else..go and live with nothing...no filming, no flashy toys..can you go willingly to sacrifice and suffer with them...In a heartbeat he replied...I could too I stated...I have been willing and made that choice many years ago...We talked it over and I felt the rush of excitment and joy...later doubts tried to plague me...could we really do this..what would it mean? It means leaving it all behind...It means not coming back...It means sacrifice and much sacrifice...but the rewards this time far out weigh the sacrifice...So I take a week journey, traveling to see some old friends and my sister...but that is not what the journey is really for...I need to move away from every distraction and weigh all of this...I am planning on a week journey up northern Arizona to gather ceder and to pray and do medicine in quiet places alone...that is when I will recieve the last answers to the remaining questions, when and what else must we do to prepare...I will leave in two weeks...for this week journey...when I come back I will prepare for the longer journey where we will not be coming back.... January 25
Read through Fools Crow and picked up on the lessons to learn, as I feel there is so much more to learn...The oil for those who I have on my order list...it will be a little bit latter as there is more preparing to do with it...so hold on it will come... I am learning, opening myself up like a flower and absorbing so many new and beatuiful things to add to my journey...Healing and knowledge...wisdom is power...Being a hollow bone...Fools Crow called himself a hollow bone...that is what we must be hollowed out of all that hinders and slows our journey from becoming what we are here to become...This call within me has been with me for many years...Some things I have already done to become...an empty vessel...Letting go of useless things has been exceedingly easy for me...I love the awesomeness of a spiritual journey, there is nothing to compare to it...No other high no other feeling no other meaningfulness...Fools Crow holy man...he was holy...died at the age of 99, almost living twice the age of other Natives on the Rose Bud res....I feel the call to pay a visit to Rose Bud...it has been in my heart for a long time now...drawing me...calling to my heart...Now reading the account of Fools Crow book one, I want to go even more...to walk where he walked...to feel him near in his beloved people.... There have been others down through history from every nation and every people on earth...holy men and women...all of them having the same like information though in languages they could understand...given to them from a very personal God...the same God who talked to Moses through the burning bush...talked to Fools Grow...the same God who worked miracles through Moses worked miracles through Fools Crow and countless others on the path of holiness... There is no room for disagreements between faiths..if one would listen instead of judging they would recognize the God in all faiths and races...that this God does not work through religious systems...at best the most pastors and priest can do in religion is awaken the truth that there is a surpreme Being...I was born knowing this truth...When we think of the religious systems world wide we can easily see how absolutely dead and powerless they are...once the message has been given what else is there...Yet when we obtain the more personal walk with the Creator we live and move and have our being in Him and that is where the power lays...When was the last time anyone seen or heard of a miracle the Pope has done...It is man who gives the Pope his power...It is man who bows and worships this man...This is not to knock any system derived by men...but rather to speak of something beyond man...something that is more real and powerful then what man alone can accomplish... There are a few items now that I have to make and personilize to carry in my medicine things...so today I worked on some of it...the staff awaits further instructions as there is more to add...I have most everything set aside for it...to finish it, but sense that there is more to add to the actual staff face... I long to journey to the sacred places this Spring and Summer...I know my spirit and soul is drawn now to the ancient places of the peoples...I believe I will be going for a seeking and learning journey through the Spring and Summer seasons, to gather more learning and wisdom and also medicines...to listen to what will be coming forth in the spirit realm...I think this what I am going through now is preparing me to begin that journey...I may go to the Sun Dance this year...we shall see what is in store for me... The writing is coming along...I am more focused however on the actual preparing of myself...becoming a hollow bone...Christian's call it a clean vessel...I have been in that preparing for many years...Moses was in it for forty years before he was sent out to achieve his purpose...others before me have been prepared through whole lifetimes...thus far I have lived my whole lifetime as well preparing...I feel this is the finishing touches...the equipping to go out and do it now...I feel I too must walk in the places of this land that my blood people have walked...I have gathered in the circle before the ancients...in my vision journeys...I have stood before them and they have looked upon me...they are with me now on my current journey and I feel their presence as I prepare...It is interesting ....Some would explain it away and try to reason it away but I know that this is real as real as the earth and the sun...it just involves the spirit rather then the physical...It challenges me to now try new things and stretch my own faith to the limits...I deny nothing and listen carefully and take what offering is there to fill this cup...My desires have changed completely..I desire to be the hollow bone...a holy one...a helper..I desire to help others and the earth...I desire to be effective in a defective world...there is nothing else as great an importance to my heart and soul...I want nothing but to succeed on this ancient path...to do what I came to do...All this time finding my way back to the orgins the beginnings...What a ride it has been...Wahooooooo.... September 08 no It Is Not SelfishWell I brought a new laptop on Tuesday, normally I have to wait forever for things that I want. i decided I needed this gift to myself for many reasons, so I stepped out and did it. Hubby didn't say anything, even though I thought I would get some flack for it, he was cool about it. A big step for me and it is rare that I do something like this. Normally I am last on the family Totem pole. I always make sure I get for everyone else and whatever everyone else wants first. Oh I might purchase a candle, or journal, or book or Cd, for myself but hardly anything more.
I am still working on my future plans and redefining some personal things in my life. I see that really I am preparing to go moble, I do plan to add some travel next spring and summer, and I am beginning to prepare for that now. the laptop is part of that plan too. I want a laptop with me when i am traveling because travel so inspires me to write.
Ihave been looking over some really nice spaces here and haven't done much writing on entries.
My daughter is back from her trip and it is nice having her and baby home again, I will miss my privite wealth of quiet time, but I really don't mind, as they are the most important part of my life.
The weather is finally cooling a tad here in the desert, out of the 100's and we are now into the 90's. Fall comes late here and so does cooler weather.  August 31 CleansingWell today I started a seven day personal cleansing for spiritual reasons. My daughter and granddaughter left yesterday for eight days with my daughter's stepfather in Wisconsin. I plan to make the very best use of this time alone spiritually and personally.
So today I did a sage and ceder cleansing on myself to prepare for the things ahead. i take to heart the medicine message of the dragonflies who have come to me recently and know that there are personal changes that I need to focus on right now.
Things are up in the air in many areas in my life that need some changes. I have been very focused on my daughter and dealing with her disease and needs all spring and summer and I have neglected many things including my own needs.
I miss them like crazy at the same time i know I can not allow myself to dwell on that at the moment but to instead use this time wisely.
I have been feeling a real desire to write...write anything just to write. I have been focusing more on my paper journal which so helps me to sort things out in my life. It helps me to get to the real core of things and breaks through any illusions that might have been built up recently.
I am also planning on an extensive road trip next Spring and Summer, by myself. I am planning on getting a new car and then packing it up and taking off just myself for a much need retreat and refreshment in nature and I plan to also visit some of the reservations out there. I am also making plans to make reservations ahead of time for a nice visit to my very favorite place, which is Santa Fe, New Mexico.I want to spend at least a couple of weeks there at least.
I have made up my mind to go and I seriously doubt I will change my mind. As soon as my daughter is stabilized and on her way to hewaling, I will be free to go.
I am telling no one close to me about my plans and it is because i refuse to be talked out of them...~*~*~*~ August 25 Just Keep On WalkingAlright, I am in a slump lately. Ever get in that place of the inbeteen in life, where nothing seems to matter, your just going through the motions. I have many times and I have learned to look at it as a good thing. It gives a body some rest. Right after one of these periods, comes a fast paced time for me. Normally it is a time of learning.
The dragonfly has come across my path lately, hubby brought home one that was in perfect condition, and had died. I carefully sprayed it to preserve it and placed it in a special box. I look at it like this, it died to be found to bring me it's medicine message. Then last weekend I was sitting at Starbucks early, journaling in my paper journal and a dragonfly flittering around caught my eye. I realised that this medicine message has come to me with it's beautiful message.
The dragonfly is one of my totems, and it's message, envolves personal change and time of growing and transforming...there is more but I must read up on it again. The dragonfly to me is so beautiful and it always has been to me.
And so how is your week going? I am holding my own in the Writer's contest...results of win or lose will be after August 31. Personally I think all who entered the contest are winners and there really are no losers.
Peace and Light August 22 Waiting....Well the day has finally came, braved it and took the step, entered a writing contest...I had written this meaningful piece and it touched my soul and others I read it to oir who read it themselves. So I braved it and finally stepped out there to enter my first writing contest ever...For days I waited until the day arrived to put it up for viewing and judging. So today is the day...if you care to read this entry you can see it at my other Journal at the web address listed on the right where it says my other Journal.. Have a beautiful day all who enter here...peace and light.  August 18 Rising Out Of The AshesHumm, this morning I did my paper Journal, there is absolutely nothing like writing in your paper journal, that is where everything within you is laid bare. Today was no exception, feelings within were laid bare. I am married to a wonderful saint of a man, so that is why it has taken me so long to figure out my life with him. He really is wonderful, but....I see myself within this relationship and I have to tell you that I see myself like rising from the ashes like the Pheonix.
It is so easy to get lost within a relationship, over time you loose pieces of yourself. Well we are women and women somehow put too much focus on their men. I do, it is so natural for me to get behind whatever he is doing in his life and so naturally put myself and my world aside to accomidate him and his. This is a vast mistake over time. It has nothing to do with love or lack of or anything to do with if he is a good or bad for you. It is you who has become your worst enemy.
So this morning as I wrote in my journal, I realized some truths that need attention. I am a Sag. and Sag's really hate being tied down, and being boxed in. Now as I reflect over the years of this relationship, I have no one to blame but myself, and I know it is me that has to dust off my life and rebuild myself...Now I have been doing that, but I get interrupted by life, life gets in the way of living...the every day shit seems to just pile up and sooner or later I do find myself incased in invisable chains.
Meanwhile hubby goes merrily along in his life, amazed at my ever changing moods as I try to cope with this invisable prison I have allowed myself to get trapped into.
One wonderful thing about aging, is that somewhere along the line you do become wiser and you have the ability to figure things quicker. I need changes and I know I am the one who needs to make those changes. So in the coming weeks and months I am going to begin inventing and finding my own life again. Lord knows I have plenty of time on my hands these days. Well I do take care of daughter and my baby granddaughter, but I do have much time at home to write and think and sort it all out. No I am not really disappointed, as everything in life teaches us things, and this has taught me much.
So today I feel very liberated and determined to reinvent my life all over again and it is like looking at a blank canvas...I can start today with making new plans, finding new dreams, pulling out some old ones and dusting them off...how exciting....the posibilities are endless.....Peace and light |
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